How to Work With Difficult People - CADA Leadership Camps 2013

STEPS FOR WORKING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

1: Try not to take things personally

Sometimes, people are difficult simply because of who they are. It might have nothing at all to do with you. Try not to take it personally.

2: Ask questions rather than make statements

Difficult people often have strong opinions. Sometimes they’re right, but other times they might be wrong. And when they’re wrong, a more effective way to point this out is to ask questions rather than to make statements. By asking questions, you might be able to help the person recognize the issues in his or her own position, with less risk of a confrontation.

3: Don't respond to anger with anger

Difficult people often act upon impulse and emotion. They don't always act rationally, or in ways that make sense to us. If you are responding emotionally to an already-emotional person, the results could be disastrous.

4: Use appropriate phrases to clarify when needed

If you sense that a communication breakdown has occurred, address it immediately. The following phrases can be useful:

• “That’s not what I said. Let me clarify.”
• “That was not my question.”
• “Please let me finish.”
• “We’re [actually] saying the same thing.”

6: Use “I” rather than “you”

Using a statement that contains “I” involves less risk than a statement that contains “you.” The first pronoun doesn’t sound like an accusation, so people are less likely to react negatively. 

Example: Instead of “You never sent me that email,” consider saying, “I never received that email.” --or--

Instead of "You're always such a bully," consider saying, "I don't like it when you talk to me like that."

7: Separate the issue from the person

When discussing an idea that a difficult person advances, try to separate the idea from the person. In particular, if you have a concern, make clear that the concern lies with the idea. Yes, the difficult person might still take offense, but it’s less likely.

Example: Instead of saying, “Your rally idea has some potential problems,” consider “That rally proposal has some potential problems.”

8: Express appreciation when appropriate

Even if someone has a difficult personality, that person can help you learn a skill or give you insight. If that happens, let the person know you appreciate it. Just be sincere. Nothing turns people off more than someone who is trying too hard to be nice. One hint: if you do thank or express appreciation to such a person, do it without smiling, because your words will sound more sincere that way.

"Even the most impossible person had a mother. He was loved by somebody."

Deepak Chopra

THE THREE TYPES OF DIFFICULT PEOPLE

CLINGING TYPES

• Clinging types want to be taken care of and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate, they will cling to anyone.

CONTROLLING TYPES

• Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.

COMPETITIVE TYPES

• Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they win, they won't let go.

HOW TO RECOGNIZE EACH OF THESE TYPES

• Clinging types cannot be handled with avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can't use direct rejection without making an enemy. Ignoring them only hurts their feelings and makes them feel even more insecure.

• Controlling types won't back down if you show them concrete evidence that you are right and they are wrong. They don't care about facts, only about being right. If they are perfectionists, you can't handle them simply by doing a better job. There's always going to be something to criticize.

• Competitive types can't be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you.

STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH EACH TYPE

• Clinging types can be handled by showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up. Finally, find situations where you can honestly say, "I need your help." They will either come through or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.
  
  Example: "You can do this, and I need for you to take responsibility for your part of the project so I can do my very best on my part."

• Controlling types are, in some ways, bullies, and can best be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart, controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don't fall for their insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all, don't turn an encounter into a contest of who's right and who's wrong—you'll never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.
  
  Example: "You know what, there are other people in this group that also have good ideas. I'm asking that you please respect everyone's opinion."

• Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win, they won't have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight of their self-image. Once you give them the ego boost they so strongly desire, they usually back off.
  
  Example: "You know what, you're right. Let's use your idea, but let's see if we can add other's ideas to it."

THE BOTTOM LINE

• In the end, you can only control your behavior and your reaction.
• In ASB, it's very difficult to avoid these people. You have to work with them. They don't just go away. In the end, though, you will learn how to develop healthy adult relationships by working on these skills now.
• Difficult people do not go away in life. If anything, difficult adults can be even more challenging that difficult teenagers. These are life-long skills.

Sources:

Calvin Sun on Tech Republic http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/10things/10-tips-for-dealing-with-difficult-people/2289

Dr. Deepak Chopra on Oprah.com http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Deal-with-Difficult-People-Deepak-Chopra/1#ixzz2Z2ihvhIG

Rocky. 1976, Chartoff-Winkler Productions.

"The Gambit, Pt. II." Star Trek: The Next Generation. Season 7. 1993, Paramount Studios.